This one for me.

This is gonna be another one of Azira's lame, emotional, too-much-information-she-will-regret-this-later kind of post, so I warned you and you still have time to escape now. So, escape!

They say write will help. So I wrote, here and there. In my book, on a sticky note that I posted on my board, hundreds drafted texts and random scribbles in my lecture notes.

But it didn't. At all. Not for me. I did feel better for that split second after re-reading what I wrote, but that's it. Is that how it's supposed to be? Is that how you're supposed to feel? Do you not write just one angry letter but a thousand of them to actually make you feel better?

For some random reason, we crossed paths. It was two people at different stage of life, who wants different things, who has different needs. I should've known. I shouldn't play dumb and pretend it was not a big deal. Because it was a big deal. The biggest of them all. I wonder why it never seems to bother me. Probably because I really wanted this to happen. Like, really happen. Because I don't know, hormonal much, Azira?

It's a mixed feelings, seriously. Sad, mad, confusion, curiosity, frustration and probably a little regret. It's not like I'm trying to force thing that were not meant to be but-

Yeah I did. I did try to force it by pretending it was okay. Who am I kidding. -___-

And the part that hurt the most is the way it ended. And how I was pretending it was okay it ended that way. Oh so one day you wake up and decided it's just not worth it anymore because you can't get what you want? Is it? IS IT? 

Do you have any idea what that led me into? Do you have any idea how early I forced myself to go to bed every single night so that I won't be haunted by the idea of you? Thanks to you, I've got to experience a new kind of darkness I never thought it existed. Like really, Lord Voldermort kind of darkness. The darkness that has nothing to offer but misery. Do you know that? DO YOU?

Eh, termarah pulak. 

Okay well it's probably my own fault too for having too much expectation in this whatever-it-is-called. For having expectation at all. For expecting more than I can bargain. Yup, definitely too much expectation on my part. Expectations kills. Stabs you right in the heart. And part of your brain. The part that make you think straight, I suppose? 

Oh and the heartache. It was one of a kind. Different kind of heartache from when you lost a dear friend, or when your friend betrayed you, or when your experiment didn't really go well (more on that later). It just kinda break your heart. Into thousand of small little pieces. You try to hold it together but at one point it was very exhausting trying to pick all the pieces up and you just... give up. And spent the rest of your day on bed eating Nutella straight from the bottle with a chocolate bar. 

HAHAHAHA okay I exaggerated but you get my point right?

Oh just for the record, I've never regretted everything that happened. It was good (and fun) while it lasted. And things happened for a reason. Although I am yet to realise that reason, at least now I know of a new kind of people. And that it will get better. 

Or that's what I told myself every day and every night for the past months.