Is there such thing as quarter-life crisis?

Cause I think I'm having them now. 

I turned 25 years old last Sunday. There were no big celebration or anything, I just spent the day with my close friends and that was enough for me. I was happy with that. I even turned off the Facebook notification because I don't want random people to keep wishing me randomly (assuming there are people bothered to do so lol).

I have been saying this for few times to my close friends, that I think I've becoming an introvert. Which of course, that was met with snide laughter and a very enthusiastic NO with a lot of evidence showing otherwise. I mean yeah, I still get E (for Extrovert) every time I did the personality test but deep down I know I no longer it. I no longer wanna meet a lot of people, I hate going to gatherings (unless I organised them) and I would prefer people not to talk to me.

But yes, I can't go on for more than 2 days just by myself. I enjoy solitude but one time I was by myself the whole weekend and by Sunday evening I realized I started talking to myself in front of the mirror. Not the normal talking, I was trying to have a conversation with my reflection and got frustrated because I already know what the reflection would reply, like duh. Not a fun conversation, to be honest (we were talking what I should get at pasar malam).

I enjoyed being in the middle of a group's conversation or gathering, as long as they're my people. I feel like I don't wanna meet or get to know new people. Is that okay? :|

I used to think I'm actually a good friend, honestly. My friends are lucky to have me HAHAHA. Used. I no longer think that. And truthfully, I am okay with that, I don't feel like changing that anymore. I've changed a lot, obviously. And not all are positive changes, I admit. I used to strive to be a perfect person, who can make everyone happy and love me. And now I'm like, as long as you don't cross me, then we're good.

My decision now is more me-centered. I still do things for others, but now I'd like to do things for me more. Put me on the first list of people I need to consider before making any decision, never let people disregard me whenever anything that concerns me is transpiring. That sort of things (though sometimes it won't work that way).

Of course, that didn't always happen. In my process of treating myself better, I lost a friend. It was my fault, of course. I was always the childish one. I know friendship is all about tolerating each other but the thing is, I don't want to know that part. The tolerating part. Let's do it on our own terms. We are all tolerating each other in this world, trust me. 

But above all, I don't wanna keep it against my friends to keep tolerating me just because we were friends for years now and it would be a waste to end the friendship. It doesn't sit well with me to ask them to tolerate the changed me, and for me to keep apologizing every time it happen. I don't wanna do that to myself. I am still trying to understand me. My changes may not be for the better (for others) but I like it this way. 

WAIT THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT TO WRITE TODAY!

Meh. Okay I'll probably talk about my quarter life crisis some other times.

Goodbye for now!

Perfect World

I'm currently living in a small (but not too small) one-room apartment, overseeing the beautifully landscaped garden with a man-made lake. My room and living room are okay, but my kitchen is TO DIE FOR! I probably spent most of my salary on my kitchen. Not really cooking or baking materials, but you know, tupperwares because tupperwares are life! #didIjustusethewordmaterial #Idon'tknowanyotherwordotherthanmaterialsorry

My family's house is also only a drive away, which I would occasionally visit after work and during the weekend, (for the food mostly). The traffic were rough to get there, but anything for food okay! And yeah, also to visit my growing-old parents. And sometimes I would babysit my nieces and nephews because my sisters need to have a romantic dinner with their husband *vomit blood*. But sometimes, they would leave their kids to the husbands so we the sisters could get together for a shopping spree or just simply making cookies while them complaining about their husbands.

And during the weekend, I would be spending time with my close friends. Probably just out for lunch or dinner, gossiping and people-watching. Especially people-watching. And laughing like nobody's business. And there's also one of those weekend where we could get a bit adventurous and extra rajin so we would be doing something energy-consuming such as, I don't know, wall climbing? Which everyone was excited about during the planning and immediately regret the decision once we finished (because why do we plan such an exhausting activity?!). And once in a while, we would be meeting up after work because there's some juicy gossip eh I mean information that should be relay face to face (for added dramatic effect).

But there are also one of those time where I would be home for the whole weekend. Ordering take-outs and lazying on the couch while binge-watching anything I could find on TV. Couldn't even be bothered to reply texts or whatever because I can. And while showering I would be planning on rearranging my kitchen or my bedroom but right after showering, I would still be in my towel, lurking some random people's photos on Instagram for hours. #wealldidthis #don'tlie

And although I said I wouldn't, I would eventually fall for that person who I keep seeing almost everyday. He made lame jokes but I laughed anyway because I'm easily entertained liddat. No really, I'm really easily entertained it hurts me that my friends won't laugh at the things I showed them. I'll be crushing hard on him for some times til I grew the feelings out, or confess to him right away and grew the feelings out by crushing on the next person.

My parents are aware that marriage is not in my priority list. They hated that fact but kinda just have to live with it because. 

That, is the version of my perfect world.

But in reality, I'm living in a house with few other people. I really want to have a full authority over the kitchen, but I'm not living alone. I hate sharing authorities so I just let the kitchen be although it pained me to see the kitchen in such a state. But I either have it all, or nothing at all. So, nothing it is. And it'll also be months before I could see my parents again. Work commitments and such, I always delayed my trip home. Also not helping is the fact that my hometown is 5463728274534262 miles away from me. And I have to live with the fact that my cousin is taking my nephews and nieces to watch that new Kung Fu Panda movie #itshould'vebeenme #they'remyniecesandnephewsnotyours

And as far as gossiping with close friends is concern, it was all done via whatsapp group. I hated this the most. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends (and the vastly weird topics we discussed) but I honestly hate texting. Okay this might looks like a lie for someone who wrote 2435363 words in a minute and keep bombarding people with nonsense texts, but I honestly hate texting. I HATE IT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. And while we're at this, this includes talking on the phone. I don't have anything against anyone, but I rarely answer some phone call just because. 

I hated the fact that I live in the age of social media. Everything was done via social media. Wedding invitations, catching up with friends, planning important events etc. Don't get me wrong, I hated it, I really do but I also, infected(?) by it? And if I were to try to not be engulf by this inevitable advances, I would be left out and you know how much I hated being left out! >.<

I wish for a world where you know about someone's new born child because they texted you in person and you went to visit instead of looking at the photos only on Facebook. I wish for a world where you know about your friend's trip to Alaska and because you two met afterwards, looking at the photos together instead of all the photos he posted on Instagram.

Okay, I don't know where you're going with this, Azira. You know social media is important because not all people live in the same timezone and etc.

I KNOW but, I honestly wish it could be different. I wish there are more real-life human interactions instead of the virtual one. Face to face. Laugh at my jokes to my face instead of lol-ing at my post. Make that irritated face to my face instead of ignoring my texts. Argue with my opinions (diligently) and question my decisions instead of throwing shades at me in one of your posts. YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?! 

I hated how social media has affected me (wow I really use a lot of 'hate') SO MUCH. I fall for someone with witty tweets and statuses, that might or might not be his original thoughts. I get offended by some people because I read the things they said in a different tone. People get offended by me because they don't get the jokes in the way I want it to be. So frustrating.

Okay, some people might not agree with me. I realized, social media has been a comfortable platform for those people who find it hard to talk or voiced out their opinions in real life (for any reasons they have that I'm not gonna argue about because each to their own). Not everyone is comfortable talking in the presence of people and that's find but this is also the reason why I dislike social media because some people are different from their real life because when you saw them in real life and you get disappointed because this is not what you want and-

I loathe social media, but I also (sadly) can't live without it.